Psychotic Girl

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December 7, 2010

I sit here on my back porch the Black Key's Psychotic Girl streaming through my ears by way of some headphones. I am sitting here writing and thinking and I have so many thoughts that I need to start putting on paper else I go insane. The things that float through my mind the most these days are thoughts about the nature of love, knowing myself, and effectively relating and interacting with other people in an overwhelmingly positive way.

The events in the past few weeks have really turned my focus on love, connection, and how to truly care for someone. I have met a girl whose name is Ashley Winters and she has struck a chord deep in my soul. I have developed such a good connection with her in these past few weeks that it has influenced and changed my world in ways she may never know. I have put myself through emotional turmoil over this pretty little crab, and it is only my fault and maybe a little bit of hers as well. I want to jump the barrier that she has put up between concerning physical affection. I am the kind of person that communicates love through physical affection more than any other form of communication. I am also the kind of person that will respect a woman's boundaries.

I wish I could adequately communicate my feelings for miss Winters. Maybe this desire to start writing again really stems from wanting to figure out how I can communicate my feelings of love. I ask myself "how do I feel about Ashley Winters?". My answer to that question is always changing the more I interact with the crazy crab. I admire her, I worry about her, I desire to get to her core, and she inspires me to rediscover my own self and makes me realize that I am the author of my own life. I am more aware now of my short life than I have been for a good while. I am constantly reminded that my life is in my hands and that I can do , and feel, and be so many different things while I am here on earth for my short stay. I feel the need to search for the meaning of love, understanding, identity. The doors are there if I search them out, that when opened will lead me through experiences that will give me insight into the answers to my questions.

My question is what are the questions I should pursue? What are the most important and pivotal to answer before I die? Are they pivotal and important in contrast to the grand time of the shiftings of the Universe?

As confused and conflicted as I am in my mind, I find it to be wonderful. I feel human, realizing I don't know everything, or even come close to understanding everything. It feels as if my brain is a canvas to be painted on and ever changed until I die. I, myself, am a piece of artwork so unique and priceless and fleeting. So is every person I meet, we are all the grandest pieces of artwork.

The rest of my day entails adventuring with Ashley so more on that when I return...

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